I don’t believe in toxic people. I believe in toxic moments. Moments that spin us out of frequency with the person we are seeking interaction with. These moments can be hidden in the banality of wrong choices, wrong roads taken, wrong words spoken, but we don’t know how to confront our moments so we raise our pitchforks at what we can see: a person. A “toxic” person.
I am now a spectator from the future who holds solemn respect for the past, while starting to recognize the instances that washed over my timeline that would lead to future consequences. My moments have included a cocktail of depression, anxiety, and rash decisions, which understandably may have, at one point, led to friends relating me to those “Tread With Caution” signs or choosing not to tread closer towards me at all. I choose to believe that these fixed moments in time do not reflect us as people that we once were or have become now, but were misfortunes that occurred in our lives that we were ill-equipped to deal with. Thus, we struggled to reconcile our differences with who we believed we were becoming. Toxic Moments.
But just think of the good moments for a second..
Out of 7 billion people on this planet, you chose to spend your time with me for however long our frequencies coincided. I have come to support a basic Buddhist belief that you can only be truly set free from suffering when you have already accepted that the person/thing you love is already gone/broken. Thus, you let go of your need of control over the situation and you revel in the happiness of that time and place where things are as they are.
“You can only appreciate the beauty of a vase, once you have already accepted that it has shattered.”
– my humanities professor or a Buddhist monk.. I should probably check the source on this one.
I will enjoy my relationships as they are, without regard for future toxic moments, endings or FIN.I will not suffer in the uncertainty of future events out of my control. But plot twist: some friendships find their way back together in this life. Thank you to those who have seen that my mistakes don’t change my overall good intentions.
I think I have come close to achieving self-actualization in regards to the relationships I have formed. It has only taken me 19 years to finally surround myself with the perfect combination of passionate dreamers and the deeply cynical. Gotta catch ’em all! (I think that refers to Pokemon, but it totally works right here too. Please don’t ask me Pokemon questions.. I will disappoint you or refer you to my dear friend Chris.)
I lay in bed content for I feel I have happened upon (definitely wasn’t out rightly searching for) the secret to my own happiness: Vibe with people on your frequency. Forgive yourself for changing your frequency, and forgive others for changing theirs.
And if you are meant to find yourself entering my 20th chapter, I trust you will.